Saturday I had a moment of true panic and total loss of control. On March 18th, 2011, I attempted my first century ride, it was a small ride and I was by myself out in the country. During the ride I was chased aggressively by a white pit bull, I had never been so scared in my life. In all my life with a bad car accident, a bad motorcycle accident, 2 tours in Iraq, and all the other life hazards we all experience, I had never had the feeling I was about to lose my life like I did that day. For half a mile my Garmin was reading 27 MPH and this thing was snapping at my ankle, it got so close. It took half a mile for this dog to give up, and since that day training hasn't been the same. I didn't finish the century ride, I stopped at the next rest stop, which was a church, and called Joel still shaking and crying, telling him I couldn't go on. Ever since then, I will only train at places where there are no homes. In addition to that, I will only do races where there is a large enough field for me to feel safe, or in a location where I know there are no homes. This is why I have yet to sign up for a non M-Dot half iron or iron, the number of competitors an M-Dot race brings feels like a safety blanket to me.
Since March 2011, I have had flashbacks and nightmares about pit bulls. The flashbacks make my heart pound, the nightmares thrust me awake with terror. I went from simply not liking them to being terrified by them. Just typing this I am shaking. My dachshund Rosco was attacked by a neighborhood pit bull in November 2009, which is why I can't train in my neighborhood, since the owner does not believe in a leash and the police won't do anything. After this happened I was angry, but did not experience these feeling.
Saturday Joel and I signed up to be volunteers at a 5k in Savannah. We were looking forward to volunteering and giving back. Shortly after arriving at 6 a.m. I saw it sitting in a pickup truck, a white pit bull. Just setting eyes on it sitting in the truck, my heart started pounding, hard. The owner was a volunteer, he moved his truck closer since he had equipment in the back. Suddenly my breathing became labored and I was losing control of my body. Joel looked at me really concerned, I was shaking, breathing strangely, and on the verge of tears. He led me away from the area and took me back to the car where I just held him and sobbed into his shoulder. I just cried and cried, shaking, all my control was gone. This was a full-blown panic attack. Suddenly Joel unlocked the car and told me to get in, the white pit bull was out of the truck and running around off a leash.
Joel told the race director we had to leave. Since the race director was an acquaintance of ours I told Joel he could tell him the situation. He was very understanding and told Joel to take care of me. I was really upset and I felt like I let people down. There is no way I could have functioned with that dog running around. I felt paralyzed with fear and panic. When Joel got back to the car he handed me my Powerade and I was struggling to drink, me throat felt closed, it felt like swallowing a large dry pill.
Experiencing this on Saturday, I am reflecting on my fears. The problem is, when I think about pit bulls I immediately stop because my heart starts pounding and I am overcome with fear and anxiety once again. I go back to March 18th, 2011 and feel like I am about to lose my life again, never to see my girls or my Joel ever again. I feel powerless, and at a total loss of control over myself. I have tried to describe it the best I can in this blog entry, but I can't truly find the words to describe the feeling of a panic attack of this magnitude.
It has been very difficult to write this, and many of you now probably think I am a loser for feeling this way. These are my personal thoughts and feeling, and this is what prevents me from venturing out to find new training locations. This is what prevents me from running or riding my bike on residential streets and country roads. I really hate feeling this way, but at the moment is it something I have no control over.
I'm Jillian,this is my journey from a morbidly obese woman to endurance athlete
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
So, it is not happening.........but I am ok with that
About 2 weeks ago I wrote a blog entry titled "Will it happen?" about my hopes of getting into 2013's Ironman Florida. Joel and I had already registered as volunteers and had already booked a hotel room for that. I knew there was a chance that this trip wasn't going to happen, and now its not. The trip fell through. I don't really want to go into the personal details of why, but know that its mostly financial, November and December are always rough months for us, and the kids and their happiness always come first. No race will EVER be more important than them, and giving them a nice Christmas is a priority over me signing up for a 140.6 mile race on the Gulf.
That being said, I will be signing up for Ironman Louisville next year. I can register for that race in February after we recover from the holidays. This year's race is not sold out yet, so I hope Ironman Louisville doesn't suffer the same faith as Ironman St. George.
I realized the Florida plans and trip wasn't happening Saturday. Yesterday was my long bike ride, so I had a lot of time to think and reflect and look at pros and cons. The good things about doing Ironman Louisville again: I will still get to do another Ironman next year, both Joel and Loraine will be able to go this time, I know what to expect this time, I know where to book a hotel this time, I know exactly what I need to work on in training, I get a chance to attempt correcting mistakes I made last time, I will truly see how much progress I have made in 2 years since my second Ironman will be on the same exact course as my first. In addition to all that, I know people who are planning on this race for 2013, so it is always fun to race with people you know, and a buddy of mine who lives in Louisville, she is planning on volunteering if I am racing.
18 days until Muncie 70.3. Training is going well. I have been having issues running in heat lately, but I think those can be pinpointed to not being hydrated. Because of everyone's work schedule I have had to run in the evening, and at 7 p.m. it is still close to 90 degrees here. Race details have been released on the Muncie 70.3 website, I am bib #640 and I am in the 8th swim going off at 7:28.
That being said, I will be signing up for Ironman Louisville next year. I can register for that race in February after we recover from the holidays. This year's race is not sold out yet, so I hope Ironman Louisville doesn't suffer the same faith as Ironman St. George.
I realized the Florida plans and trip wasn't happening Saturday. Yesterday was my long bike ride, so I had a lot of time to think and reflect and look at pros and cons. The good things about doing Ironman Louisville again: I will still get to do another Ironman next year, both Joel and Loraine will be able to go this time, I know what to expect this time, I know where to book a hotel this time, I know exactly what I need to work on in training, I get a chance to attempt correcting mistakes I made last time, I will truly see how much progress I have made in 2 years since my second Ironman will be on the same exact course as my first. In addition to all that, I know people who are planning on this race for 2013, so it is always fun to race with people you know, and a buddy of mine who lives in Louisville, she is planning on volunteering if I am racing.
18 days until Muncie 70.3. Training is going well. I have been having issues running in heat lately, but I think those can be pinpointed to not being hydrated. Because of everyone's work schedule I have had to run in the evening, and at 7 p.m. it is still close to 90 degrees here. Race details have been released on the Muncie 70.3 website, I am bib #640 and I am in the 8th swim going off at 7:28.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Race Report-Trybee Island Sprint Triathlon
Had a great time at the race yesterday, knew a lot of people racing so it was great to chat it up with buddies. Joel was my sherpa and was able to get lots of pics and videos. The ocean swim was shortened from 750 meters to 600 meters because the current changed and we were now swimming against it.
Water was 76 degrees, so wetsuit legal. I have been working on my swim a lot, and my very good friend and expert open water swimmer Jennifer has been working with me on my swimming. When I got in water deep enough to start swimming Jennifer was in my head. I calmed down, did my new stroke the way she taught me and remembered to kick. When I got out of the water I was worried I was way behind because I didn't see any other girls around me, but when I got to transitions there were lots of bikes still in transition, so I was confused. Joel later informed me that out of my swim wave, I was 5th or 6th out of the water, and the large pack was behind me in the water. This of course shocked me and I couldn't believe it after all the swim struggles I have always had. Swim time including long run up the beach was 15:26.
T1 wiggled out of the wetsuit, put on helmet and shoes, and headed to mount line. T1 was :50
12 mile bike. A week ago I got my Cobb Plus saddle, so now my inner thighs don't rub the saddle with every pedal stroke. I felt great on the bike because of this. There was a nice tail wind heading out to the turnaround point. I was effortlessly going 22 MPH. I have lived here long enough to know that a nice tailwind out would result in a headwind on the return trip back to the beach. As much as it was tempting to go all out in the tailwind, I wanted something left to fight the headwinds on the return trip, so I stayed at 22 MPH. After the turnaround the headwind hit, but since I still had a lot left I was able to push and average 20-21 MPH all the way back to transition. Bike was 35:39 and was the fastest female bike split of the day.
T2 exchanged bike shoes for running shoes, exchanged helmet for running hat, grabbed race belt and put it on as I was leaving transition. T2 was :42
3.1 mile run. The run was a simple out and back through a neighborhood. Was nice to see some of the beach homes and vacation rentals. I had passed 2 girls at the beginning of the run and by the time I got to the water station at mile 1 they informed me I was the 3rd girl. I got butterflies in my stomach and was hoping I could hold on. Before the turnaround point, guys who were heading back after the turnaround were telling me I was in third. I held on best I could and it was enough, no women passed me and I crossed the finish line. Run time was 22:54
Total race time was 1:15:28. Hung out with Joel and chatted with other racers. Talked to a few interested people about Team RWB and what we do. They had a real podium for the awards ceremony, I placed 3rd female overall, the awards were beach towels with the race image printed on it, also got a bag full of Hammer Gels. This was an inaugural race and setup did a great job, I will be back next year.
Water was 76 degrees, so wetsuit legal. I have been working on my swim a lot, and my very good friend and expert open water swimmer Jennifer has been working with me on my swimming. When I got in water deep enough to start swimming Jennifer was in my head. I calmed down, did my new stroke the way she taught me and remembered to kick. When I got out of the water I was worried I was way behind because I didn't see any other girls around me, but when I got to transitions there were lots of bikes still in transition, so I was confused. Joel later informed me that out of my swim wave, I was 5th or 6th out of the water, and the large pack was behind me in the water. This of course shocked me and I couldn't believe it after all the swim struggles I have always had. Swim time including long run up the beach was 15:26.
T1 wiggled out of the wetsuit, put on helmet and shoes, and headed to mount line. T1 was :50
12 mile bike. A week ago I got my Cobb Plus saddle, so now my inner thighs don't rub the saddle with every pedal stroke. I felt great on the bike because of this. There was a nice tail wind heading out to the turnaround point. I was effortlessly going 22 MPH. I have lived here long enough to know that a nice tailwind out would result in a headwind on the return trip back to the beach. As much as it was tempting to go all out in the tailwind, I wanted something left to fight the headwinds on the return trip, so I stayed at 22 MPH. After the turnaround the headwind hit, but since I still had a lot left I was able to push and average 20-21 MPH all the way back to transition. Bike was 35:39 and was the fastest female bike split of the day.
T2 exchanged bike shoes for running shoes, exchanged helmet for running hat, grabbed race belt and put it on as I was leaving transition. T2 was :42
3.1 mile run. The run was a simple out and back through a neighborhood. Was nice to see some of the beach homes and vacation rentals. I had passed 2 girls at the beginning of the run and by the time I got to the water station at mile 1 they informed me I was the 3rd girl. I got butterflies in my stomach and was hoping I could hold on. Before the turnaround point, guys who were heading back after the turnaround were telling me I was in third. I held on best I could and it was enough, no women passed me and I crossed the finish line. Run time was 22:54
Total race time was 1:15:28. Hung out with Joel and chatted with other racers. Talked to a few interested people about Team RWB and what we do. They had a real podium for the awards ceremony, I placed 3rd female overall, the awards were beach towels with the race image printed on it, also got a bag full of Hammer Gels. This was an inaugural race and setup did a great job, I will be back next year.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Where I go to in the dark moments in a race
Yesterday was the commemoration of D-Day. Every Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, September 11th, and D-Day commemoration, it forces me to reflect on my time at war. The men who fought on D-Day are the epitome of the American hero and we are truly indebted to them. I cannot imagine what those men were going through on those beaches.Right before my evening run last night, I paused for a moment, a moment of silence for those who fought on D-Day.
Because I run unplugged, I get a chance to really think about things. I thought about my time at war. I arrived in the Middle East in May 2003, first in Kuwait, then a 26 hour all-night drive in a military convoy up to Baghdad, Iraq. I had just turned 20 a little over a month before. I was scared, I tried to play "tough guy" but it was a front, I was scared. Everyone else was "tough" too, but I constantly wondered if they were scared like me.
It was hot, brutal hot, sweltering. Temperatures would climb above 130 degrees. Wearing a uniform and heavy gear while carrying a weapon didn't help either. Walking around in the mid-day heat that summer was torture. No air conditioning in our living quarters. Our living quarters were on dirt. Constantly being uncomfortable. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I did not know it back in 2003, but from my wandering around in the hot desert miserable, I would draw strength later in life.
I haven't physically been in this desert in many years, but mentally I visit often. Endurance races are tough, even miserable at times. When I get to the dark place during a race, I go back to Iraq. I go back to the sweltering heat of the desert, I have all the gear on again, I see all the sand. I am not scared this time, but I still feel the misery. I am uncomfortable but once again I grow accustom to it. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have made this trip to the desert mentally many times: in both my marathons, Muncie 70.3, Ironman Louisville, New Olreans 70.3, and I plan on making many more trips back throughout my life.
Somehow making a trip back to the desert in my mind has worked as a great coping mechanism. The physical trip to the desert built up my tolerance for suffering. In endurance sports learning how to suffer is key. Wandering around in the desert is my idea of true suffering. I suffered more in that desert than the 14 hour I was on the Ironman Louisville course. In my tough races, I pull strength from that suffering.
Because I run unplugged, I get a chance to really think about things. I thought about my time at war. I arrived in the Middle East in May 2003, first in Kuwait, then a 26 hour all-night drive in a military convoy up to Baghdad, Iraq. I had just turned 20 a little over a month before. I was scared, I tried to play "tough guy" but it was a front, I was scared. Everyone else was "tough" too, but I constantly wondered if they were scared like me.
It was hot, brutal hot, sweltering. Temperatures would climb above 130 degrees. Wearing a uniform and heavy gear while carrying a weapon didn't help either. Walking around in the mid-day heat that summer was torture. No air conditioning in our living quarters. Our living quarters were on dirt. Constantly being uncomfortable. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I did not know it back in 2003, but from my wandering around in the hot desert miserable, I would draw strength later in life.
I haven't physically been in this desert in many years, but mentally I visit often. Endurance races are tough, even miserable at times. When I get to the dark place during a race, I go back to Iraq. I go back to the sweltering heat of the desert, I have all the gear on again, I see all the sand. I am not scared this time, but I still feel the misery. I am uncomfortable but once again I grow accustom to it. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have made this trip to the desert mentally many times: in both my marathons, Muncie 70.3, Ironman Louisville, New Olreans 70.3, and I plan on making many more trips back throughout my life.
Somehow making a trip back to the desert in my mind has worked as a great coping mechanism. The physical trip to the desert built up my tolerance for suffering. In endurance sports learning how to suffer is key. Wandering around in the desert is my idea of true suffering. I suffered more in that desert than the 14 hour I was on the Ironman Louisville course. In my tough races, I pull strength from that suffering.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Will it happen?
After some thought.......ok, so a lot of thought, I am one of those people who over thinks EVERYTHING, I am now absolutely sure I want to try to get into Ironman Florida for 2013. As I have been saying for months, I want to tackle Ironman Louisville for a second time, to get revenge on that course. I still want to do that, one day. Really I want to see just how quickly I can finish 140.6. Ironman Florida has almost identical terrain and weather to where I live, and what I train in everyday. I was disappointed in my 14:17 at Ironman Louisville and feel I can do much better, especially if I am on similar terrain to what I train on.
To try to make this happen, Joel and I signed up to be volunteers at this year's Ironman Florida in Panama City Beach. Volunteers get priority registration the day after the race, and since this race may sell out in less than 10 minutes when it goes online, this is my best chance of getting in. This will be my first time volunteering at a race and I am excited about it. Volunteers at Ironman events are always incredible and it will be neat to be a part of that. Joel and I will be working at bike check-out from 5-8 p.m. We booked 2 nights in a hotel 7 miles from the race site. It will be nice to have a weekend with Joel. Our shift is only 3 hours in the evening, so that will allow us to watch the start of the race, as well as the midnight finish.
That being said, we have a delicate balance of being able to get me in. I mean that in a financial way. We are an enlisted Army family. We live frugal in order to have a nice home. Our mortgage costs more than our housing allowance, but we always manage. We have a plan that will save us just enough to make this trip to Panama City Beach, so I am seriously keeping my fingers cross that nothing happens between now and November that will prevent me from being able to register. Joel keeps assuring me that nothing will happen and I will be able to get in. After seeing how much I struggled on the hills in Louisville, he wants to see me do Ironman Florida. I can't begin to tell you how blessed I am to have a husband who believes in me wants me to achieve all my goals and do whatever he can to make it happen for me.
That trip is still months away so I will get back to the here and now. The first ever Tybee Sprint is this Sunday. The swim is in the ocean, and long-ish for a sprint, 750 meters, after that its a 12 mile bike and 3.1 mile run. I have been building up for Muncie 70.3, and I am really starting to feel the fatigue, so with Tybee on Sunday I have made this a low volume week to give the body a bit of a break.
I am reading Chrissie Wellington's "A Life Without Limits". I am in the middle of the book and so far it is great. My opinion is biased since I am a huge Chrissie Wellington fan. I will write a book review once I finish in, but keep in mind my biased opinion.
Another review coming, my Cobb Plus saddle will be here today according to FedEx. My current saddle has been causing saddle sores ever since I got the P2. I know saddles are highly individual, and a saddle doesn't always work for 2 different people, but I will still do a review.
Sunday during my long ride I crashed. Nothing serious........the bike is fine, just some scratches on the basebar and I will need new bar tape. It was silly how I fell. I was doing a u-turn and at the very end of my turn there was a patch of dirt. My bike slide out from under me so fast I didn't realize I was falling until I was already on the ground. I fell on my right side so my right knee and right palm is scraped up. I was doing a 60 mile ride, and I crashed right at the halfway point at 30 miles. It really wasn't too bad, I was able to brush myself off and finish the ride. Lesson learned, I will now watch for dirt patches.
To try to make this happen, Joel and I signed up to be volunteers at this year's Ironman Florida in Panama City Beach. Volunteers get priority registration the day after the race, and since this race may sell out in less than 10 minutes when it goes online, this is my best chance of getting in. This will be my first time volunteering at a race and I am excited about it. Volunteers at Ironman events are always incredible and it will be neat to be a part of that. Joel and I will be working at bike check-out from 5-8 p.m. We booked 2 nights in a hotel 7 miles from the race site. It will be nice to have a weekend with Joel. Our shift is only 3 hours in the evening, so that will allow us to watch the start of the race, as well as the midnight finish.
That being said, we have a delicate balance of being able to get me in. I mean that in a financial way. We are an enlisted Army family. We live frugal in order to have a nice home. Our mortgage costs more than our housing allowance, but we always manage. We have a plan that will save us just enough to make this trip to Panama City Beach, so I am seriously keeping my fingers cross that nothing happens between now and November that will prevent me from being able to register. Joel keeps assuring me that nothing will happen and I will be able to get in. After seeing how much I struggled on the hills in Louisville, he wants to see me do Ironman Florida. I can't begin to tell you how blessed I am to have a husband who believes in me wants me to achieve all my goals and do whatever he can to make it happen for me.
That trip is still months away so I will get back to the here and now. The first ever Tybee Sprint is this Sunday. The swim is in the ocean, and long-ish for a sprint, 750 meters, after that its a 12 mile bike and 3.1 mile run. I have been building up for Muncie 70.3, and I am really starting to feel the fatigue, so with Tybee on Sunday I have made this a low volume week to give the body a bit of a break.
I am reading Chrissie Wellington's "A Life Without Limits". I am in the middle of the book and so far it is great. My opinion is biased since I am a huge Chrissie Wellington fan. I will write a book review once I finish in, but keep in mind my biased opinion.
Another review coming, my Cobb Plus saddle will be here today according to FedEx. My current saddle has been causing saddle sores ever since I got the P2. I know saddles are highly individual, and a saddle doesn't always work for 2 different people, but I will still do a review.
Sunday during my long ride I crashed. Nothing serious........the bike is fine, just some scratches on the basebar and I will need new bar tape. It was silly how I fell. I was doing a u-turn and at the very end of my turn there was a patch of dirt. My bike slide out from under me so fast I didn't realize I was falling until I was already on the ground. I fell on my right side so my right knee and right palm is scraped up. I was doing a 60 mile ride, and I crashed right at the halfway point at 30 miles. It really wasn't too bad, I was able to brush myself off and finish the ride. Lesson learned, I will now watch for dirt patches.
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